Shiny and Wonderful

It was both wonderful...
and disturbing...

I met up with some very old job associates of mine. From back in the day when I worked at a firm called Coudert Brothers, which is now gone. I worked in their library, and was there for about thirteen years before I quit to start my own business with my business partner, Bryan.

Byran was there in attendance tonight, along with Ren, Sharra, Rebbie, and Kat came later. We headed across town to Chevy's, a huge Mexican restaurant that we frequent every time we get together as a group, which we do on occasion when we can get everyone together. The night was wonderful as I had said earlier. The food was good and plentiful and the conversation was engaging.

I was deeply disturbed that one of us, Rebbie, had a battle with cancer and won against all odds. Very tough woman she is, and I'm proud of her. What shocked me so was that it just came at us in casual conversation. When she had said it I almost dropped my fork down my throat. Wow.

Yes, that was disturbing to hear that a loved one had went through something so serious and you knew absolutely nothing about it. Sobering too, because she had come away from the experience with a new found joy for life. She had said that the two most important things is to 'have fun' and to 'help someone else. It's not all about you.' I thought that was very profound.

The conversation kept swinging around before and after that, landing on each of us at one time or another. What was disturbing was when the conversation landed on me.

"Do you remember when the last time we were here, the manager came up to the table and then watched us from a distance because you were so loud?" I thought about that. I don't remember that as happening. I remember dining here after quite a long bout of binge drinking and then coming to meeti everyone here on several occasions.... "Do you remember when I came up the stairs and you were asleep on the bench right over there?" Bryan pointed off into the distance. I looked to where he pointed, and nothing came back to me. Nothing. "How about the time when they cut you off? No more drinks for you." Ren asked. Rebbie nodded. "Yes, they cut you off." Now THAT I would have remembered had it happened. I don't remember it. No, I say to them, honestly confused. Where did all that time go? Where did the history of my life vanish to? "Do you remember when you kept dipping your finger in my food?" Bryan asked. "Do you remember that?" I had to laugh because I was too ashamed to do much else. I was an embarrassment to my friends and all they wanted was to go out to dinner together.

Others used to go with us, and now do not. Others used to hang around with us, and I alienated them with my heavy drinking, acting out, and unconscious bouts. My behavior was torrid. My thoughts wandered then to my ex wife and the pain that I must have caused her over the years with my drinking. Things that I no doubt did, embarrassments that I no doubt were, the shame was no doubt too much for her. She had had enough of me.

But some of my friends, very few, stayed beyond to see me come out the other side of the dark tunnel. They were proud of me that I wasn't drinking or smoking, and that this time, this night, I didn't have the manager over to ask for them to leave or to restrain me. I was proud of myself too. I was now in control of my own faculties. I sat, drinking lemonade. I was not missing alcohol in the least. No one around me drank anything stronger than Coke. And we had a great time.

We broke up in enough time for me to hit the Way, take the A train to West Fourth; transfer to the V train, and ride it into Broadway Lafayette. I wouldn't be doing that much longer, I thought to myself. I got upstairs long before curfew and set up my baby to blog.

I honestly don't remember large portions of my life from the time that I was working at Thomson Financial. At the height of my drinking odyssey.

I don't remember shit.

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