The Many Feces of Eve

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Shit.

Yeah, that's what I'm going to talk about on this post. Plain shit. And not just ANY shit, but my shit. Yeah. I'm going to come clean again. This is one of those times where the Hobo must share his dirty little secrets to the world, largely because this blog is my confessional, and you are my priests. I hate to say it but the number of my readers have been dropping precipitously ever since I stopped posting eight and ten times a day. I would love to keep up that pace, but unfortunately my head hands out pink slips to my other personalities every so often. And all of those crazy motherfuckers help me out a great deal when it comes to writing and prepping posts.



But this is for another time. Right now my kidneys are leaching minerals. Yeah, I'm on a kidney pill that is forestalling renal failure by keeping my kidneys purring at optimum efficiency. These pills are now vital to their health and they will keep on functioning, for the time being, until they stop. Quite naturally. The two minerals are sodium and potassium. Potassium is a major building block of muscle and because I'm becoming potassium deficient my muscles are failing me. They grow weak fast, and cramp up easily. Any physical exertion and they lock up tighter than virgin pussy.



No biggie. I use salt on my food, and I eat bananas and lentils often, but not often enough to keep up with the demands that I must put on my body and WILL put on my body this season. So, like I did last year and like I did when I was a vegetarian, I take a protein supplement. Since I can't take potassium in pill form because it will do me no good, I take it in Whey Protein. Whey is chock full of potassium and is used by weightlifters to build muscle  mass. It's all I need to function. So I went out the other day and bought  a huge JUG of that shit. I mean it. A huge jug of 100% Whey Protein and I take it every day with milk.



Now how many of you know that I am already lactose intolerant? Yeah. I drink whole milk and I get gas and sometimes the shits. But mostly gas. But like I told you I mix in it this Whey Protein, because this shit sucks with water. Now if milk gives me bad gas, milk and Whey protein gives me projectile shitting. I'm not shitting you. PROJECTILE shitting. If I turned my ass up in the air, I'd fire a stream of watery shit like a howitzer.



I can fire shit down into the bowl so hard that I splash shitwater back up onto my ass. I hate it when that shit happens. Now I have to feel all uncomfortable while I shit and then get up and wash my ass. Nothing is more annoying than splashing shitwater all on your ass. And it never fails, 45 minutes after drinking this shit, I'm doomed to run to the bathroom and drop a watery deuce. I read somewhere that weightlifters go through this shit too, projectile shitting after drinking and eating protein bars and shakes.



I'm not talking about health food shakes either boys and girls. Those ridiculous smoothies that they give you in those fucking health spas, but instead those Muscle Milk drinks that taste like the ass end of a southbound cow. Some nasty shit. I mean, I got Vanilla Whey Protein. Before I got cookies and cream. I don't know why they even bother flavoring the shit because it still tastes like someone shat in your mouth and then sprinkled vanilla flavoring on your tongue. Or cookies and cream. It doesn't matter. The shit is raw.



But I have to imbibe it if I'm going to get ahead in the muscle department. That's like the only other way that I know how to lose weight. Trade muscle mass for fat. Right now, I've been trading it the opposite way and I'm as big as a house. I'm not going to let this shit continue. Over my dead motherfucking body.



And the way that I'm shitting, and losing calories and shit to shit, my body might be mother- fucking dead before long.

Ha ha ha, I should be so lucky.

Hobobob
(I'm going straight to Hell, just like my mama said)Source URL: http://extravagancedeplumes.blogspot.com/2011/03/many-feces-of-eve.html
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