Stop With The Fucking Drama

OUCH!!

The side of my face feels like someone socked me in the jaw today. My entire jaw is starting to hurt, which is not good. I have a tooth in front of my mouth that probably needs pulling out. That's sweet. This will be my first tooth in plain view that has to be removed. Good god am I getting old. Fucking age sucks. How do you get around this? I've heard of people having mouth infections from tooth abscesses that go to the brain and make them crazy. Not that I'm not insane enough.

I'm in my room, working at night on a new novel. One that I'm intending on taking my time with, building a rich, deep story of danger and intrigue. I want to really let myself go on this one and pull out all the stops. Start small, build big. That will do for me. I've got time and I'm not going to get anything done fretting about finding a new job. I'm definitely not going to do well with trying to do so through this fucking vocational center. I loathe that place. But I'll have to go back.

As I think about how to handle my teeth, I have to also deal with WECARE. I shake my head. No easy answers to anything. Everyone is afraid of everything. I fucking fight daily to win an un-win-able situation. I have to stay at the Vocational Center for the rest of my life or until I find a job. Whichever comes first.

I really need all of this.

My first plan is to call my case worker, Ms. Robot in the morning and let her know that I have to go and find a dentist in the coming few days. Maybe she'll back off of sending my case to HRA. These FUCKERS are just itching to kick me in the ass. They'll do it too.

I wake up with my right eyeball hurting. How is such a thing possible. My entire eyeball is in pain, especially when I move it or look at light. It's enough to give me a headache. Did I sleep on it wrong? Will it stop after awhile? I dunno. I go on about my morning, throwing out my garbage and thinking about what is in store for me today. Will I find a nasty letter in the mail stating that I have been missing days from the Vocational Center or that I missed a mandatory meeting and now I have another one due. OR even that my case has been sent to HRA.

I eat corn chips for breakfast. Not good, but damn tasty. I am busy on the Internet, working on email, trying not to lose my natural mind. I'm here in my room for the third day in a row, with a bad eye, but at least my jaw feels much better. Thank god! I don't want to have to fuck around with having to pull more teeth. Well, maybe I ducked the bullet this time. I'm getting older, and teeth begin to fail at this time. They are unnecessary as the mammal is past its prime. It is getting where it can't reproduce. There is no need for teeth, because the body is breaking down and is looking forward to death. We have outlived our usefulness in the mighty wheel of time.

I am close to 50. It's going to start. Pieces of me will begin to fall away faster and faster and I will not have the healthcare to take care of it. That's why we need this healthcare bill passed. Or something. I don't know what the fuck. I just think that the most powerful country in the world can't supply decent healthcare for it's population is a fucking shame. I'm not saying exceptional...just a fucking dentist, for fuck's sake. This is bullshit.

I sleep today. Nap here and there, knowing that it's a side effect of the LUVOX or the LYRICA. One of those bastards. I consider the deeper things in my life. I consider those things that I don't really talk about. I sit on the edge of my bed, I sit in the chair in front of my desk, I stand before the countertop in the kitchen, I stand in the hallway, over the dumpster with trash in my hand, I stand over the bathroom commode with my dick in my hand taking a leak.

I stand in the center of my room. I wonder what the future will hold for me. I have a meeting with my Job Developer tomorrow. I'm going to look into my mailbox in the morning if I have a mandatory meeting with my case manager, I'm going to throw my meeting with my Job Developer into the trash and take a walk through the hot New York air. It's been blistering the last few days. Fuck walking for hours.

I make dinner. Pasta, beans, chicken, bacon. Pour the beans on a bed of pasta and BAM, you have dinner. I'm doing well. I get on IRC and fuck around with DRWOODY, MRJAYCE, DRTYTLK, MARYDREAMS and OWL. OWL tries to get me into the Buddhist faith. I told him I don't understand organized religion. Then he shows me tattoos. I can't understand tattoos. I wanted one, but I changed my mind. I was thinking of getting the number 12 tattooed on my right breast about the size of my palm.

Why 12? Because it is a totally random number. I see it as a good conver-sation starter.

Well, night is falling hard. I'm going to blog and then go to bed. Call it a night and deal with the fucking fools in the morning.

Sometimes I hate to wake up in the morning.

Goodnight

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