The Bitches, Bastards and one Loser

I wake up after having vivid dreams.

In one dream I'm with the family of Biggie Smalls. That's right. The rapper, the Notorious B.I.G. At his home, he is outside of his rough, drug dealing, gun toting persona, and is a young man who loves his mother and his friends. I happen to be one of them, and he treats me like a king in his expansive house. I am awakened by him on one morning for coffee and pancakes that his mother is making downstairs. I sit up, reaching out for his hand that is waking me, and suddenly slip into my life, arm raised, reaching for air. It is odd and shocking at the same time as to HOW REAL the entire thing was.

Could it be that life is but a dream? I'm serious. Everyone is afraid of death. Terrified. I wonder if death is only us awakening to a dream that we keep having but not putting together. But after we die and we awaken in our new life, everything will finally make sense, and then we can go living our real life. Mine will probably be as an alien on a far off planet, with some polymorphic body speaking gibberish. With my luck.

I'm wondering about my luck. I hope it holds out. Shit, I'm going to need a whole fucking lot of it really soon. I have my lucky bamboo in my window sill to provide that. I also have my altar, where I ring a bell to my patron goddess daily. Don't think I'm not doing anything, Hell I'm even calling on spectral forces!!!

Why do I need my luck to hold. The second part of my plan. As you know, I am stocking up on non- perishable items for long term storage. I am also learning how to cook these things and make delicious meals out of thin air. That is important. Meals out of nothing. Because I might have nothing to get food with.

The FUCKERS have control over my meds, but they also have control over my food and rent. So, by brining them up under charges to binding arbitration, I am asked a question. Do I want my aid to continue, and of course I check yes. But that is my court case. Next will probably come theirs bringing me up under charges of attendance. Once again, I have to check for them to continue my aid, at least until my day in court.

These things have to match up correctly. Any error and I'm left to live off the food that I have at present until my day in court. And if I lose any of these cases, it could further mean that I'll have no aid for a month as penalty. Soup kitchen time. Yep. That's how it works. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do about my rent. Maybe they like me so much that they will let me pay with installments. I could do that.

My meds...I'll have to appeal to the judge just how important they are and that I couldn't do without them for a month and can by no means pay for them without insurance. It'll be throw myself at the mercy of the court time. See if they have a heart if not a logical mind to see where I'm right.

So that's my big assed plan. To have enough supplies to weather the storm just in case my aid is cut off suddenly and completely.

Today I'm supposed to go to my WEP Assignment in the church uptown but, fuck that shit. I'm going to wait for late afternoon and then take a long walk downtown to 59th street and then back up. That would be nice. I need the walk and it's probably a nice day out there. I've been in this crib just a little too long. Way too long. Not that I'm bothered by it mind you, it's just that I should get out and get some fresh air. Watch all of the hot New York women walk by. Shit like that. I think it would be good for me. Let me think about it.

So, as I am trying to write my novel, my eyes start crossing and I start getting drowsy almost imme- diately. I've learned my lesson in trying to fight it, so I crawl into bed and hit the sack. I slip off into dreams almost as soon as my head hits the pillow. Reading about the side effects of LUVOX one of them is drowsiness. I'm thinking now because the new, higher dosage is up to a month almost, so the LUVOX is nearing its full potency in the bloodstream! That means I'll either tell the difference or not. I'm already feeling the difference in my reaction to things. I'm not as anxious as I was before, which is great. If I can continue with these side effects until they subside, life will be very good.

I get up in the early afternoon and still don't feel like walking. That's pretty sad. But ANOTHER side effect of LUVOX is loss of appetite, and it's true. I haven't really felt like eating all day long, although I get my hungriest at around 2:00 in the afternoon. We'll see. OBSIDIAN is pumping out emails for the upcoming SHOUT OUT, so at least I'm not bored and I'm going to go look for jobs today to see if any new ones have come up.

I don't do either, I go to bed. I sleep for four hours and get up not tired. I'm not tired. Why the FUCK am I sleeping so much?? My fucking brain just shuts down. Turns off, like a fucking switch. I know one of the side effects of LUVOX is drowsiness, but this is something completely new to me, gang. I get back online and there are emails. The most encouraging ones are the ones coming from my therapists about the paperwork I will need for my Fair Hearing.

It looks like I'm going to stay up late now, because I got too much sleep today, but then again, I've been getting exhausted at an early hour. I dunno. I fucking give up. I'm just going to go through the side effects and stop bitching because I'm not going to stop taking the fucking drugs. So heidy ho!

I think I'll get back online.

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