Driving Nails Through Both Hands

My hands.

They won't stop trembling. Like leaves in the wind. I concentrate on them and with some effort, I make them stop. What the fuck was that? It's early in the morning, the sun not yet risen. I jump out of bed. I'm full of energy. I feel good. I am sincerely happy. I am typing away like a cheerful squirrel with a nut in its mouth until my eyes cross. I blink heavily, but continue typing. My head swoons. What the fuck is this? I struggle to type further but words start to cross and there is a lot of misspellings. I give up and crawl back into bed.

I wake up for the second time, late morning, jump behind the computer, do some work, some surfing, and then I start yawning. Tired tears start to run from my eyes. I give up. I'm tired of fighting against being tired. I crawl into bed to take a nap. I have to be careful because today I have my appointment with Dr. K. I CAN'T miss this appointment. I've missed so many that she'll cut me, and I can't have that happen. It took too damn long to get a therapist, and then I stop showing up? It'll be ages before I get another one.

I drift off to sleep easily and wake up early afternoon, at 12:50. I have to leave for the doctor by 1:00 to get there on time. SHIT!! I jump up, dive into my clothes, grab my shit and then grab the door to snatch it open and realize that I don't have to leave until 1:30. The time now, 1:00. I sit my stupid ass down and get behind my computer. How could I get my times mixed up like that? I'm a bit of an airhead anyway. I have to admit. It's from all the drugs floating around in my brain chemistry. Or could it be the LUVOX?

I leave for the therapist and get there right on time. She comes out right on time, we have my session, right on time. I tell her about my efforts in trying to get out of my room. How I want to be inside and away from human contact than outside. I am a shut in. She tells me how easy it is to become one and that I should fight against this fear of people. I do have a fear of people. I know this. The larger the group, the greater the fear. That shit developed over time after I crossed from one life to another, from solvency to homelessness.

There is a lot of differences in me once I crossed over from one life to the other. We end on time. I skip out. Head home. I'm moving pretty swiftly today. I get on the number six train and a beaten Black man with a basso voice walks down the train his his hand out. Please help him. He is hungry and needs help. He will take anything from sandwiches, to candybars, and or money. He eases down the length of the train. I don't see if he gets anything. I go along my merry, thinking to tell him, 28th street and 9th avenue. There is more than enough food there. That church, the church of the Holy Apostles, will feed you until you pop, and allow you to take home enough for breakfast and dinner for TWO fucking days. That's only one of many. There is no reason for anyone to starve in New York City. Thank God for the church soup kitchens.

I get on the shuttle and an attractive, well dressed White Woman commuter produces a cup and raises her voice as best as she can over the din of the train. She has just recently lost her job, was denied unemployment and is now living on public assistance. She will lose her modest home and end up out in the streets with her children without your help. She walks the length of the car. People look at her in frightened amazement. I don't see if she collects anything. I know for a fact she is causing a lot of hearts to pound. There but for the grace of God goes I commuters fear. I think I hear people shitting their pants. Yes, this is a motherfucking depression.

I make it home and joyfully jump behind my computer. I get to work furiously. My eyes cross within fifteen minutes. It's time for my nap. I crawl into bed. I'm thinking, something has to be done about all of this sleeping. Something has to be done with the LUVOX.

What though? I'm enjoying the benefits of the damn drug, and now I'm thinking about stopping?

Maybe I should work through the side effects so that....zzzzzzzz


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