The Unhinged Mind

I limp to the Way.

It was good going at first. I was making good headway, and then like a bad tire on the Indy 500, my right foot blew out. Shit, it when from mild ache, to ache, to pain, to shooting pain about the time I made it to the Way station. Fuck. Walking back was going to be no joke. At least I can get to the train and get a seat. I chose to soldier on.

I catch the 1 train downtown. There are no seats. Typical. I limp over to the shuttle. A wide gaggle of school kids swarm the train. No seats. I limp to the 6 train. Packed. No seats. Fuck it. Then there is the long walk to ICD. I do it, because I have no choice. I get upstairs on time for my appointment and sit in the waiting room. I put on my headsets, and bury my head in my book. Nurse G comes out and calls someone else's name. They rise and then suddenly another woman rises. "What is this," she bellows. "I've been waiting here since one O'clock!" The time now: 2:30. "No," Nurse G retorts. "You were late for your appointment." "I'm here now," the woman replies. "Now you'll just have to wait." Nurse G replies calmly and then escorts the first woman into the corridor towards her office. "WHAT?!" The woman is beside herself. She has a friend next to her that I now notice. Her friend tries to calm her down. "It'll just be a few more minutes." Angrily the woman snatches up her gloves and scarf from her seat. "Bullshit, that bitch is going to make me wait here an hour! Fuck that!" Her friend still tries to calm her down, but she's not having it.

I'm sitting across from them, choking down a smile. I don't know why I want to smile. Shit, I'm behind ALL OF THEM. The woman hurriedly puts on her coat. Her friend rises to her feet and runs off, down the corridor that Nurse G. had left to. "Fuck this, she's not even a doctor. She's a fucking nurse!" The woman says, marching to the elevator and pressing the down button. Now this makes me smile. High drama in the waiting room. The elevator appears and the woman vanishes into it. Not a moment after she is gone does her friend re-enter the waiting room. She stops in its center, looks around for her, someone tells her that she took the elevator and left. The friend is on the next elevator down. Nurse G comes out seconds later, looking for both of them, hunches her shoulders and then disappears back into the corridor.

I sit there reading until a shadow eclipses my light. I look up. It's Dr. D. "Hobobob, what happened to you Tuesday?" This character is the one that had me in that room packed with blockheads. I had the gout, doc. "We missed you." Well, you know, doc. I was laid up. "Well we'll see you next week, right?" I give him a half smile. Yeah. Yeah. He smiles back. HE KNOWS THE DEAL. "Well, try okay?" I'll be there, doc (when pigs fly). He calls the woman next to me and they both disappear down the corridor.

It actually doesn't take that long to be in Nurse G's office. She writes me out prescriptions for my meds. I shake my head. These are going to do me no good. I have reached my pharmaceutical limit and can't get any more meds until my doctor takes care of that. "What??" Nurse G looks alarmed. "You're out of your meds? Oh no, that can't happen." I frown, why not? I say to myself. She's punching her phone. "Pearl, I need an override today." An override? "Yeah, we'll give you a form that will let the pharmacist know that we are putting in the paperwork and that you can get your meds." Shit! Ain't that a fact! I smile again. Shit, it doesn't look like I'll end up without my head meds after all. But I wonder, what would really happen if I suddenly went off these fuckers? Would I snap like a twig. End up running naked down the street, barking like a dog? Or writing letters to people threatening them with Ready Whip? Frothing at the mouth. Beating small animals to death with my fists. You know the drill. Bonkers.

We finish my session. I'm made to feel guilty about everything. My parents, my brother, my situation, everything. I feel like I let the world down. Is that the experience that I'm supposed to have after seeing my psych? I mean, shouldn't these things build me up? I get Exposure Therapy from one, and now this? Give me a break. The only doc that I'm beginning to like is Dr. L. I hate it when her sessions comes to an end. And she's the one that's on me about finishing up what we started. That I have outgrown our sessions. I've graduated...or will be. Typical.

I need my head meds. My little experience with the Perch Cafe proves that to me. Just think if that shit was allowed to run riot? I need my blood pressure meds too. They'll put me in the hospital but quick. My ALPURINOL will only bring back the gout if not taken. That can be put back in check as long as I have COLCHICINE. No problem there. I'm good. I can't wean myself off any of them. I'll be taking these pills for the rest of my life. UNLESS I loose some of this weight. That might help me with the blood pressure stuff. Might!

I take the Way over to the Business Library. Here is where I'll stay for awhile before going to Starbucks to meet my brother.

That's just a day in the life of a mentally ill, semi-homeless, unemployed(able) person.

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