Science is Not Always the Reason We Fuck

Did I ever tell you that I aspire to be a writer?

I would like to be. About three times a year I write a pretty involved novel about some subject or another that I take the time to research about as hard as Tom Clancy just to get all of my facts straight before putting them on paper. Now in the last six or seven years I have been busy on and off on a screenplay. Now, it is finally drawing to a close, and there have been several scenes that I really had to give much thought to.



Sex scenes involving blowjobs? Oh HELL no! Technical, scientific scenes involving physical science, thermo- dynamics, atmospheric pressure and the television audience. My research, for the first time, introduced me to discussions that I have never been privy to before. Largely because I wrote novels and short stories and this was my first screenplay to be introduced to the masses. The non-thinking masses. Well that's what I have been reading about. Many writers of screenplays do things that novelists would never think of. Things unimaginable, because fiction, non-fiction writers try to stay as close to the facts as possible. Even champion the facts on occasion. This is not the case with screenwriters.



You know how I feel about television and movies and the lies and insanity that the physics and Laws of their world suffers from an enormous dichotomy to our own. It's much like looking through a window into a parallel universe, where up is down, cold is hot, explosions just toss you around, and bullets entering your body are completely harmless.



Well, I found this interesting obser- vation from television writers and screenplay artists where they argue several differing opinions. Check this out:


"Research is hard. When it comes to science and history, we can't expect the writers to get all the facts right. Maybe we should be able to expect this, but such expectations will lead to disappointment. To be fair, though, good story will always trump good science. Hollywood Science is common in Science Fiction, but does not generally apply to cases where the writers step outside the bounds of known science by applying generous quantities of phlebotinum to circumvent the normal rules. If it's an intentional change from real science, it's not Hollywood Science. Thus, for example, the claim that the pyramids are much older than Pharaonic Egypt in Stargate SG-1 is not Hollywood Science. However, the scene in the Stargate movie where they track a probe sent through the gate, moving at faster-than-light speeds, by radio — that's Hollywood Science."

HOT DAMN!! A serious discussion of Hollywood science and the reasons for it. I honestly thought that these people were just flat out stupid. But during my research into the topic of screenwriting I realize that this shit is both intentional and unintentional. Mostly intentional. The reason for this shit? It's called the Coconut Effect.


"An element that is patently unrealistic, but which you have to do anyway because viewers have been so conditioned to expect it that its absence would be even more jarring.The best example of this is the sound of horse-hooves. From the days of radio, banging two coconut halves together was the standard way to generate the sound effect of horse-hooves. Anyone who has ever actually been around a horse knows that horse-hooves rarely sound anything at all like that, and never sound more than just a very little bit like that. All the same, that sound became so ingrained in the public consciousness that even when it later became possible to insert much more realistic sound effects, the coconut sound effect was still used. The audience wouldn't accept horse hooves making a sound not generated by coconuts."

Coconuts! Can you believe that shit? Coconuts. Hell, I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE SOUND HORSES MADE! See what the fuck I know? I think I'm some kind of wiz kid in being able to explain bullets and explosions in detail, and I don't even know the sound that fucking horses make! Shit. So, now feeling like a total ignorant asshole, I continue with the arguments.


"There are also fistfight noises the have to be certain way or they won't be believed. The completely made-up sound of a person getting punched in the face in a movie and the exaggerated smack of a boxing glove, both of which are considerably quieter, more muffled and less dramatic in real life. In a medieval setting, whenever a sword is unsheathed, there needs to be a a sound of scraping metal, even if the sheath is made of leather. In sword duels, there is a loud, echoing clash of metal when, in reality, swords just make a small 'tink' sound."

Fuck me....Like I knew all of this shit too. I mean, I've heard a fist clash against a face. Shit first and second hand, and I always seem to cut television and movie shows slack when they make that stupid sound when fist meets flesh.

 "See also Reality Is Unrealistic, Audible Sharpness, Mickey Mousing, Radio Voice, Beeping Computers, V 8 Engine Noises and the semi-related Extreme Graphical Representation. Related in concept is The CSI Effect and agleland Osmosis. Nothing to do with Coconut Superpowers."

Okay, I didn't go into all of these topics because I really didn't want to see just how stupid I am. I wanted reasonable discussion on why this is the case, and who was behind it.

 "When exposed to an exaggeration or fabrication about certain real-life occurrences or facts, some people will perceive the fictional account as being more true than any factual account of the same (thus the saying, "truth is stranger than fiction"). This does not necessarily only affect gullible people - see something you do not do much on television enough times and your mind will look for the closest thing you have to real knowledge in a crisis. Even critical-minded people will not always realize that certain things are only clichés. This might lead to people acting on the wrong preconceptions about unfamiliar matters even in a life-or-death situation, or cause viewers to cry foul when things on a show work out in a way that actually is realistic, like complaining of the "fake Scottish accent" of the real Scottish actor or about a character's death from a bullet to the "mere" shoulder."

And there you have it. The crux of the matter is that we need these miscon- ceptions. They make us feel comfort- able and suspends our disbelief. We don't go to movies or tune into our favorite television programs for a science lesson, a law or medical degree, a discussion of current events, no. We want high drama and escapism. We want to believe that people hop from bed to bed daily. That women fuck without any rhyme or reason. That all men are ready to fuck no matter what or how he feels. We want to see the bad-guy punished. We want criminals caught in every episode. We are happy when love works out between two lonely people, we cheer when the underdog football team or boxer wins.



This is the stuff of movies Hobobob, not science and getting it right. It's all about getting it nice. Getting it juicy, like a good steak dinner. You prepare it, season it, cook it right and garnish it with potatoes and a beer. What you don't do is take a raw piece of cow meat and drop it in a plate and toss it before your patrons, or your restaurant won't last long. Sorry.



I must realize, my writing is for enter- tainment purposes only. So what can I say about all the posts where I bitched  and moaned about television and movies? Well, except for sex, I apologize to all of you producers and directors out there that might be reading my blog. I sinned in ignorance, and repent in sackcloth and ashes. You will not see me crank any more about your more than talented work.

Unless it's just fucking too unbelievable to be fucking true. Okay?



Now, leave me alone. I've got to watch BURN NOTICE (Damn! Some nights, Fiona looks pretty hot!).

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