Anonymous
"If you love somebody, if you love someone, set them free. Free, free, set them free."
Gordon Sumner
Sixteen years ago, I met someone who would change my life in ways I never imagined possible. I was at a party when suddenly, through the crowded room our eyes locked and it felt like we were the only two at the party. My heart skipped a beat and I could tell he felt it too. We hadn't yet exchanged a single word but the look in our eyes said we both knew things would never be the same.
That someone was alcohol.
Ever since that fateful night, alcohol, more specifically, vodka, and I have enjoyed a passion-filled love affair. Mr. Smirnoff has been there, a lover, a friend, always, a reliable companion in times of both joyful celebration and heart-breaking devastation. And like most intense, passionate relationships, when things between us are good, they're fucking great and when they're bad, they are absolutely heinous. This must be what being married to Sean Penn is like! Tumultuous!
Nobody else has possessed the power to make me feel both so amazingly awesome about myself and so soul-crushingly horrible about myself to the point of getting sick, often times these opposing feelings happen within the same 12-hour period. Indeed, our relationship has been nothing if not a wild roller coaster ride. A ride during which he has had both a positive, but let's face it, mostly negative influence on my decision-making. I've never woken up with a tiger in my bathroom and a baby in the closet Hangover-style but I have woken up with a bloody nose, in my garage, in a totally different Vegas hotel than the one at which I was staying, in my apartment hallway and yes, in someone else's bed with little to no recollection of how I got there (thank Dog I knew him and he was hot) And this was all just this past week! I'm frontin' you, that shit all happened over the course of several years but shit yo, it's time to go Michael Jackson on these tricks and look at the (wo)man in the mirror and ask that bitch to change her ways because as Lethal Weapon's Sgt. Robert Murtagh would agree, "I'm too old for this shit!" I'm not Asher Roth, I'm not in college; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xj_oAXgvy4
And on an entirely superficial level, the calories associated with drinking are really starting to piss me off. For two months, I've been killing myself at the gym, running on the treadmill, climbing the stairmaster, weight training and all for nothing! I'm seeing no results and I'm ready to punch someone in the face over this shit. I eat well so I gotta pick booze out of the line up of potential perps. I gotta go Jamie Foxx on this bitch and blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. I'm tired of sweating my balls off at the gym only to cancel that shit out later that same day by throwing back a ten/twelve vodka sodas or a half dozen beers or a few bottles of wine by the pool (oh shut up, don't judge)
And so begins what will likely be one of the most challenging undertakings of my life - I'm going to give up drinking for two weeks. Two weeks does not sound like a long time but before you go calling Betty Ford or Promises on my drunk ass, keep in mind that I'm single, am very social and it's summertime. All of these things make it very easy to drink pretty much every day or every second day without even thinking about it. I was going to aim for 30 booze-free days but realized taking on a challenge like that during the summer is just stupid and setting myself up for failure. Setting reasonable, achievable goals is the key to success, no?
That's not to say this will be easy. This will be like asking Britney to go without Cheetos, Paris Hilton to go without dick and Courtney Love to go without crack. There will be tears, shakes, sweats and heartaches. But it must be done and if I pull this shit off, I'll do my 30-day challenge in the fall when the sun isn't shining and the temptation isn't as intense. Cause right now, it's intense. Like Tom Cruise alone in a room with Will Smith and their wives are out of town intense.
I love you, Mr. Smirnoff and we will be together again but for right now, I need to try living without you.
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