Take a Big Dipper Yourself

I'm sitting on the toilet taking a shit.

I like to talk to myself. I do. I ramble on about things...on and on. I heard and was told on many occasions that talking to yourself was the mark of genius. People with extraordinary I.Q.'s talk to themselves because they reinforce their thoughts verbally, through their ears, so they take in the same internal data twice. Talking to yourself can also be viewed as a hallmark of insanity. Many homeless people in New York can be seen walking down the street talking to themselves. This is not uncommon. And when you look at them, especially if they are Skels, they prove that they are quite mad.

While I sit and stew on the bowl there is a gentle knock on the door. FUCK! The knocking is now following me to the bathroom? Shit, my front door, and now when I take a shit, the bathroom? Also, this is not the first time that this phantom knock has followed me here. Sometimes I'm coming out of the shower, brushing my teeth, taking a leak, and there is that damn knocking on the door. I must be going mad. Why don't they just try the doorknob like I do? If it doesn't move that means that it's locked. If it's locked, then it's occupied.

I'm angry at the knocking on the door. How can you be so fucking stupid to have to knock? Don't you even hear me talking to myself on the other side? What do you think I'm on? A cellphone? Then....it hits me like a lightning bolt to the skull. Now I know why the person on the other side knocks on the door. I should have guessed it, but I just wasn't thinking. Now it all makes perfect sense.

On several fucking occasions I have come to the bathroom and opened the door, which was unlocked, and standing inside was a Skek. Yeah, only women though. Once, I opened the door and the Bat Faced Bitch was standing in front of the mirror, naked, drying herself off with a towel. I almost puked on the floor she was so physically putrid. Then there is the other Skeksis woman, old and bent over like an old crone. Once, she was stepping out of the shower, the other time, she was sitting on the toilet, clothes around her ankles. Both women were a real fucking horrible sight, let me tell you. Nasty bitches. I think that they intentionally leave the door unlocked hoping that a man will walk in on them and take a gander at their drooping tits, fallen ass, and loaves of fat love-handles. HELL, I know that I don't have a fucking perfect body. Shit, my body is for shit. But, because that's the case, you will never find me entering the bathroom for any reason, leaving the door unlocked.

And another thing...these Skeksis bitches DO NOT TALK. Yeah, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Skeksies have completely lost the ability to communicate in English. Really, no bullshit. They speak in grunts and growls. When I opened the door on the Skek on the toilet, she reached for the knob but it was too late...I was already inside. Her response, a guttural bark, or groan. It scared the shit out of me, or maybe the sight of her did. But I do know Skekspeak and I knew what that meant. TRANSLATION: "Excuse me, I am on the toilet and just forgot to lock the door. Could you please close it so that I can lock it? Thank you."

I tell you. I don't like that shit happening to me and I am certain that the person knocking on the other side of the door no longer wants it happening to them. So, instead of trying the knob and walking in, they knock first. Smart move. Before I go blind running into these heaps of dead human flesh again, I'm going to do the same.

My feet hurt, my back and love-handles ache. Even my shoulders are sore. Still I rise, take my shower, dress, don my cap and head out the door. I start my walk down Broadway. 100 Blocks in two hours. 50 South, and 50 North. This is the end of my first month of walking and already my clothes are feeling loose on me. I'm also starting to do twenty push ups every morning to build up my arms. I will definitely need this strength in the future. The sun is unbelievably hot, forcing me to leave for my walk early in the morning and stay on the East side of the street, in the shade of the buildings just to keep from sweating my ass off.

Now it's time for my new post heading....A WALKER'S OBSERVATION.

Yeah, I walk the city, probably more than most people. Before I became a Shelt (a person living under a roof and four walls...such as a homeless shelter or SRO), I was a Streeter (a person living out on the street, in front of buildings and on sidewalks). Every day I woke exposed to the elements, and every day I was forced to wake early in the morning and walk the blocks of the city all day and all evening long. I walked constantly in the foot traffic of the city. It was an amazingly horrible and difficult existence. I was much leaner, much stronger, but that was another life also.

Well I get more of a chance to experience New Yorkers, and Tourists moping around on the streets of our fair city, and make learned obser- vations. I want to share a few of them with you from time to time. The first in a series of many involves the elderly. Yeah, I want to pick on their asses first. Why, Hobobob? Because they can't defend themselves, that's why. Also, because I'm a fucking hobo, and that's what hobo's do!

Well, the elderly: okay, to begin with, these motherfuckers are always walking slow. Yeah, slow as molasses in Antarctica. No, as slow as snails in Antarctica. I'm not shitting you. But you should expect that BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD! They can't help that shit. They really can't. But I bet you're saying: "Damn Hobobob, you are a real sonofabitch cranking about the elderly because they are not as mobile as you. Ah HA! See, you are fucking wrong! I am NOT cranking on the elderly just because they use the busiest part of the day to clog up the sidewalk with their crawl. See, you don't know me as well as you think you do.

I'm bitching about the elderly because even though they walk so fucking slow, they also zig-zag. Yeah, they weave to the left and then to the right of the block as they stroll, thus they widen their physical footprint on the sidewalk. What do I mean by that? Well, I'm walking along and I come up on an elderly couple rapidly so I slow down to walk behind them and chose to walk to the right to go around them. Then, as if they have fucking eyes in the back of their heads, they zig to the right, stopping me. Okay, no problem. I'll just go around on their left, and lo and behold, they zag to the left. I'm serious. They are struggling down the street and moving with me obstructing my way. I am stewing now. How the fuck is this happening?

This goes on several times too, until I get the idea that they are fucking with me. How in the shit can they do this? Then I zig to the left, they zig left, I dart right, and they are too damn creaky to move that fast and I get around them. I turn back to look at them and I swear they are pissed off hat I got around them. Old fucking farts. And, I'm not even trying to tell you that this is an isolated phenomenon. NO WAY. Every fartknocking time I close in on an elderly couple, or man or woman, this same zig-zagging shit goes on. I don't think that I've even tried to go around an elderly couple and this shit did NOT happen. It's a fucking union I tell you. They are all in collusion to fuck with people trying to get to where they are going.

Yeah, it's a mother- fucking conspiracy! Old people are uniting in the city, and soon they will form Fight Clubs and beat the shit out of us average New Yorkers. I swear, mark my words, this shit will happen. It will be an elderly rebellion because they are pissed off that their children pop them into old age homes. Especially in New York. They don't like that shit. It's not like in Miami where there is sun and surf and hot looking babes walking around (so hot that the old men still get wood), but fuck if you find that shit in New York. Yeah, the elderly are pissed, and they are planning. Get ready people. You heard it here first.

And I'll let you know this now, if the elderly don't form a septua- genarian rebellion, I will! Yeah, I'll arm the elderly, which will be my generation at that time and start with the people in their Sixties. The seventy year olds will work their way down, taking out the Fifties and the Forties. Enslave the Thirties and fuck all the Twenty year olds. That way there will be balance in the Force. The Twenty year olds will kill the Seventy year olds by simply screwing them to death. Yeah, sadly that shit will happen.

Yeah, it could happen.

Until then, they'll just Zig-zag us to death.

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