Welcome the New Decade 2010

New Years Eve.

I call my mother. My father is back in the hospital. It doesn't look too good. He had his appendix removed about two weeks ago. A simple procedure right. Cut, snip, stitch. Over. He came home the next day feeling good. Then my mother said he stopped eating, broke out in cold sweats and then abdominal pain. She rushed him to the hospital and they sent him home. Again he has the symptoms, she rushes him back. This time, they admit him, run a cat scan and find infection. They ambulance him up to the big hospital in Virginia where he undergoes a second procedure.

What the fuck is that about? Did they do something wrong with the first procedure? This is the first time I've heard of something like this. Yes, infection has set in. He is returned, back to North Carolina, weak, thin, still not eating, my mother practically living in the hospital. She'll be sending me up a ticket to travel down to be with them in a few days. Great. They'll keep in touch with me through the Internet.

I'm waiting by the Internet for word. I'm writing to friends, killing time. The clock ticks. It's New Years Eve. I watch the celebrants over the Internet. The ball drops on Broadway, less than a hundred blocks away from me on my computer screen. Fireworks, wide screen televisions, the whole nine yards. Everyone is joyous, everyone is happy. Everyone is celebrating the dawn of the new decade, there is dancing and kissing, and handshaking and all that shit. I watch it on the screen.

I am having headaches, I am stressed out, I am not going to get sleep. I wait for friends online, but they never show. I can't get relief from my stress can I? I crawl into bed and drift off into an uneasy sleep. In the morning there are no emails. Happy New Years. Damn, I'm not holding up well. My father is in the hospital in a bad way. I didn't think it would affect me so. But it does. I am supposed to go to the Poetry Reading today, but I can't concentrate on that shit. I sit home, fretting. I am on edge. They say that no news is good news. That's bullshit. No news is fucking NO NEWS!! I write emails to my friends to pass the time.

Finally the night falls. No news still. I call my mother, she answers. She just got back from the Hospital all day. My father is fine, but talking negatively. She is dismal, sad, understandable. I am the same. I ask for the number to his hospital room. She was reluctant. What's the problem? "He's grumpy. He doesn't want people calling him while he's sick." What? Give me the number. She does and I call him. He answers, I ask him how he's doing, is he eating, is he well? He sounds strong, replying in the affirmative. It's obvious to me that he doesn't know who he's talking to. Do you know who you are talking to? "Yeah, you're my boss! The Doctor!" No, I'm your son. '"Oh, shit, man. I thought you were my Doctor!" He laughs heartily. We talk. To my relief he sounds fine. Does he want me to come down? No. Stay my ass up in New York and come down when I'm ready. Come down when he's feeling better. I hang up and call my mother, reassuring her that he is fine.

She is relieved. I am relieved. But I caution her to let him stay in the hospital until they release him. Don't let him out beforehand. Abdominal infection is highly dangerous. People die from that shit. She understands. I hang up. The night is late. I am not tired. I am exhausted, but not tired. I'm going to blog. Blog this and then blog some more. I survived this. My first day, of my first week, of my first month of the first year of the new decade. If THIS is the best that life can dish out to me, then 2010 is my year. Give me it all baby. I'll take it all on. Stress and no stress, pile it on. I'm coming for ya, both guns blazing!!

My spirit cries out
ENOUGH
but it falls upon deaf ears
there is no sound
my words are choked
my hands have been made feeble
she has spat upon me
he has grown feeble
she has grown despondent
she has gotten ill
everything crowds in on me
all at once
for a reason
to break my faith
to inflict pain
to push me to the limit
as if there is a limit
as if I can fail
There is no word in my
vocabulary
I am the man
strong
determined
healthy
this is my destiny
dependent on no one
I am above melodrama
tit for tat
undermining logic
playing head games
I am stronger than this
I rise to my feet
from my knees
Hope the best
for my loved ones
For some reason
I have more than enough strength
I have more than enough
I have love
That's all that I need
My spirit cries out
I WIN

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